Busy? Lazy?

Still here. Thinking as much as ever. If not more.
Work has been attrocious and I hate finding out I will have to work on weekends at last minute. And yes, 10 days notice is still last minute to me.
So work has been taking a LOT of my time this week.
Boiler failure meant stress to the power of nine.
Rest of the time spent trying to avoid thinking.
Getting my costume ready for my first Halloween Party ever :D
Playing facebook games. Twittering.
Watching TV.
Some exercizes (very little to keep my conscience clear anyway).
More TV. More work. More games.

Tired, tired, tired of thinking, of reading (had to read a document of 112 pages this week), of waiting.

But soon it will be all over and a new dawn, a new day, a new life will start for me.

Babies babies babies

I supposed this is how a generation goes.
We notice lots of friends getting into university around the same time.
We notice lots of friends getting married around the same time.
(we notice lots of friends getting divorced around the same time)
(we notice lots of friends getting married for the second time/moving in together around the same time)
We notice lots of friends getting pregnant around the same time.
And babies popping out around the same time :)

It all started last year with 3 friends announcing they were pregnant. My big sister gave the news at the beginning of this year.
After that is like there was something in the water and it is non-stop...

My Portuguese goddaughter was born last December and she is a stunning baby. She has those delicate features and big eyes which will charm anyone, I am sure. I mostly follow her development through pictures but I will see her again at the end of the year and can't wait for it!

Last Saturday we went to meet Mrs. A's baby, "Banoffee Pie". He is only teeny (8 weeks old) but he is gorgeous. He already smiles (not sure if it is reflex more than intentional), he has that baby smell, tiny hands and fingers, he was mostly quiet and cute apart from when he was hungry or annoyed.
It was great to see him after we followed the whole pregnancy.

I've also received the news one my dearest friends, Mrs. L had her baby-boy. I am soo happy for her and so happy everything went to plan. She is one of the nicest people I know and I wish them all the luck and health in the world.

More friends now have children (My brother gave us Gigi, my goddaughter, now 3, amazingly smart and cute and joyful), Nanda has another Giovana a cutsy too! Mrs G. is expecting a girl, Mrs. T wants a surprise. I've seen when Liesl got pregnant with "Peanut" and he is now a big strong boy. Another friend is preggie, but asked me to keep it quiet for now, but I am immensely happy for her too!

It makes me think if I will ever feel my clock ticking. I never did and still don't.
It reminds me of Mr. M who has made the conscious decision not to have children...

Don't get me wrong, I like children. I love taking care of them. I've always had since I was around 10 and helped my aunties with my cousins.

But I have to confess despite having a huge motherly protective feeling around everyone I know and love (Mum is my nickname after all - and I can be as annoying as one) I dread the idea of being a mother. The responsibility.

Be responsible for its well being. Kindness. Politeness. Happiness. Will it love life or hate life? The world is such a dangerous place. Life is such a hard trial. There is so much pain, so much frustration, so many people are only happy while complaining about something. The world is such a negative place I am not sure if it is fair to bring someone into it just to be another person unhappy about being alive.

The idea I will have a child, love it like I never loved anything before and than let it to go to the world scares me too.

With Mr. J, children are in the plans. Talking about them eases me more into it and warms me to the idea. And you know what? I love life. All the good and bad bits. I am glad my mom and dad decided to have me. To give me a beautiful unique name, to teach me life is good even if bad bits are in it. They taught me to be strong, to look on the bright side. To be friendly, and be friends.
They taught me life is worth it.

So I hope one day my clock will tick stronger. And I will feel more inclined in teaching what mom and dad taught me once. And maybe I can, along with my friends, raise better happier children and somehow the world will be a better place for them as well.

October is here! Yeay!

Lots of people are complaining October has come too fast, but to be honest I am happy about it :)
Some reasons for it may be:
1. It's been 2 years I've been with my family and I am finally going back for a visit in December,hence I can't wait for December to arrive.
2. This year didn't go fast at all for me. because I didn't have plans or resolutions, there is nothing I would leave incomplete, or unacomplished. So no regrets, no hurry, no frustrations.
3. Next year looks so promising for me (and my friends!) with lots of things in the pipeline. Because I don't expect and don't plan anymore in my life - to avoid disappointments - I am happy there will be a brand new year around the corner, fresh to do what I like with it.
4. This is the month autumn arrives, ok is cold, but is beautiful here with its rosy sunsets, its golden crackly leaves (which I love to crunch with my feet), people being elegant in the streets again.
And this is the month which usually comes with good surprises for me.
Has always been my lucky month.
For example, last year, Mr J came along on October.
So really how can I, and why would I complain about such great month?
Let's just wait and see which surprise this October has in store for me! :)

And oh yeah, even one of my favorite songs is called October!



October - Evanescence

I can't run anymore,
I fall before you,
Here I am,
I have nothing left,
Though I've tried to forget,
You're all that I am,
Take me home,
I'm through fighting it,
Broken,
Lifeless,
I give up,
You're my only strength,
Without you,
I can't go on,
Anymore,
Ever again.

My only hope,
(All the times I've tried)
My only peace,
(To walk away from you)
My only joy,
My only strength,
(I fall into your abounding grace)
My only power,
My only life,
(And love is where I am)
My only love.

I can't run anymore,
I give myself to you,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry,
In all my bitterness,
I ignored,
All that's real and true,
All I need is you,
When night falls on me,
I'll not close my eyes,
I'm too alive,
And you're too strong,
I can't lie anymore,
I fall down before you,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.

My only hope,
(All the times I've tried)
My only peace,
(To walk away from you)
My only joy,
My only strength,
(I fall into your abounding grace)
My only power,
My only life,
(And love is where I am)
My only love.

Constantly ignoring,
The pain consuming me,
But this time it's cut too deep,
I'll never stray again.

My only hope,
(All the times I've tried)
My only peace,
(To walk away from you)
My only joy,
My only strength,
(I fall into your abounding grace)
My only power,
My only life,
(And love is where I am)
My only love,
My only hope,
(All the times I've tried)
My only peace,
(To walk away from you)
My only joy,
My only strength,
(I fall into your abounding grace)
My only power,
My only life,
(And love is where I am)
My only love.

"Mistakes are the portals of discovery." (James Joyce)

A conversation last week made a light go in my head on how is important or indeed possible for us to learn from our mistakes.
Hearing someone actually telling me how they would never learn from their mistakes was a bit of a shock, but provoked a sea wave in my mind.
Maybe is just me, but I believe learning from our mistakes is the path to avoid things we know made us unhappy, angry, frustrated, ill, everything that made us suffer in the past. And this way, we would then make sure to act towards a better, happier, brighter present, and consequently future, too. And how consciously decide to ignore mistakes you've made before? Or is it done unconsciously?
I could be wrong and no matter how hard we try we will always make mistakes, the same ones over and over again because that's what we are, and that how we live, but I'd like to think we are better than that, and more intelligent, if so only to fool ourselves thinking we are doing our best to grow up, to change, to adjust, to learn.
So yeah, I will do my best to remain alert.
Keep trying not commit the same errors without loosing who I am.
Be less paranoid, not letting myself go, not take things so personally, be less jealous, express my opinions and desires more out-loud but without being in-your-face.
Just a few of a big list I have, but hard things to do. "Old habits die hard" but I hope they die, sooner or later :)


"Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from." - Al Franken

Future, here I come.

Lately my head has been bubbling more than usual, this time with things I want to do with my life.
After more than a year in the limbo, not knowing what to do, and/or not having the stamina or the will to do whatever I started thinking about, now I can't wait to start it.
As some know, I used to do web design as a hobby. I had quite the following crowd and even though I wasn't never the code-master (I went by mostly using codes from tutorials, the net and friends) and my real passion is the design bits, the messing up with the pictures, colors, the putting together of images, with texts, with things that popped out of my head.
And now I see myself centered again, sane again - and dare I say - happy again, it's like a flood in my veins. Website projects I had forgot about all coming back, wanting me to give them a try, to even go and try have fun with coding, with learning, with letting my ideas run free, and the more ideas I have, more ideas they bring, is like a chain.
I need to revive these projects, these contacts, these ideas will have to become true.
In a way I believe I've avoided trying to bring them to life on fear of failure. But what is life without failures? Without start-overs? Being kicked in the teeth and still smile like you mean it?
And really, is not the end of the world failing on something that didn't exist before anyway. Is not like I am risking my savings, my life, my happiness. It will be like a game, and I will try and be the best on it I can be.
As with every decision I make in life, I have to ask myself: What could go terrible wrong really?
The websites turning out to be a flop, no one will be interested in them and I go back to life without web design. But I'll have tried, and hopefully had fun while doing it.
Mmm, sounds like a win/win deal to me!
What I can't let happen is these thoughts stay inside of me and never come to life. If they are not good enough to survive, at least I'll know I gave them the chance to breath and die.


Other plans for the future include big, no, huge things. But I will talk about them as they come. Life taught me too much planning/expectation means too much disappointment.
And I am willing to play by life rules from now on :)