October is here! Yeay!

Lots of people are complaining October has come too fast, but to be honest I am happy about it :)
Some reasons for it may be:
1. It's been 2 years I've been with my family and I am finally going back for a visit in December,hence I can't wait for December to arrive.
2. This year didn't go fast at all for me. because I didn't have plans or resolutions, there is nothing I would leave incomplete, or unacomplished. So no regrets, no hurry, no frustrations.
3. Next year looks so promising for me (and my friends!) with lots of things in the pipeline. Because I don't expect and don't plan anymore in my life - to avoid disappointments - I am happy there will be a brand new year around the corner, fresh to do what I like with it.
4. This is the month autumn arrives, ok is cold, but is beautiful here with its rosy sunsets, its golden crackly leaves (which I love to crunch with my feet), people being elegant in the streets again.
And this is the month which usually comes with good surprises for me.
Has always been my lucky month.
For example, last year, Mr J came along on October.
So really how can I, and why would I complain about such great month?
Let's just wait and see which surprise this October has in store for me! :)

And oh yeah, even one of my favorite songs is called October!



October - Evanescence

I can't run anymore,
I fall before you,
Here I am,
I have nothing left,
Though I've tried to forget,
You're all that I am,
Take me home,
I'm through fighting it,
Broken,
Lifeless,
I give up,
You're my only strength,
Without you,
I can't go on,
Anymore,
Ever again.

My only hope,
(All the times I've tried)
My only peace,
(To walk away from you)
My only joy,
My only strength,
(I fall into your abounding grace)
My only power,
My only life,
(And love is where I am)
My only love.

I can't run anymore,
I give myself to you,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry,
In all my bitterness,
I ignored,
All that's real and true,
All I need is you,
When night falls on me,
I'll not close my eyes,
I'm too alive,
And you're too strong,
I can't lie anymore,
I fall down before you,
I'm sorry,
I'm sorry.

My only hope,
(All the times I've tried)
My only peace,
(To walk away from you)
My only joy,
My only strength,
(I fall into your abounding grace)
My only power,
My only life,
(And love is where I am)
My only love.

Constantly ignoring,
The pain consuming me,
But this time it's cut too deep,
I'll never stray again.

My only hope,
(All the times I've tried)
My only peace,
(To walk away from you)
My only joy,
My only strength,
(I fall into your abounding grace)
My only power,
My only life,
(And love is where I am)
My only love,
My only hope,
(All the times I've tried)
My only peace,
(To walk away from you)
My only joy,
My only strength,
(I fall into your abounding grace)
My only power,
My only life,
(And love is where I am)
My only love.

What a difference 2 years make...

I've just realized how people's life change even when you're not watching them.
I know, it is stupid and obvious, of course their lives change! Is not like they would wait sitting on naughty corner while little me here (gosh I hope this acronym is nothing rude!) had her own problems to deal with, but what I mean is that while I was taking time off from my virtual life, I thought people's life would not change that much, naively enough.
To go back to old virtual friendships, chapters of books I was used to read, like a soap opera I~d watch everyday...
I thought I would just start following them again, from the last time I remember reading the last word they wrote on the last day I felt in a sane, happy, with not-a-care-in-the-world mood enough to go through my routine of checking if they needed a friend's shoulder to cry on, a friend's word to rely on, or a friend's cheer to celebrate on.
During this 2+ years (almost 3) my life went through such turmoil I could barely cope with my problems, let alone cope with others.
And their lives did everything but freeze.
Some got married, some split up, some had children who are now big and smiley, some learnt some instruments... Some changed jobs, some travelled and changed countries!Some are on the same life but with a different outlook...

I feel a bit sad for not being there for them. I feel a bit guilty because I chose to go away and not leave a trace so they could find me. It was my choice to go and hide in my cave when things were going from bad to worse.
It makes me think that maybe it was my life that I wanted to freeze, to pause, to stop. But I also wanted to fast-forward it. To a time where I'd be happy again, sane again, with not-a-care-in-the-world frame of mind.
I think this day has arrived again. Is funny how I never stopped writing even knowing (and not wanting) no one would read whatever I wrote. So here I am again.

I hope to reconnect to books and soap operas authors that I would follow in the past. Find out they are happy and content as much as I am now (well, most of the time).

But even if I don't ever find them again, or hear from them again, I hope it is true.

“the end is not as fun as the start”

Just when I thought everything was going smoothly, something had to happen to shake everything again…!

U2 wisely sang “the end is not as fun as the start” and now I appreciate how great those words are.
Why does the end have to be so bitter, so difficult, and so hard to make a decision on?
In my utopia world, the end would be just as sweet as the start, you follow your guts and when you realize, you are already in it.
It wouldn’t have fights nor include hurting each other or being spiteful.
The promises of a new start would always be around the corner along with the excitement and the certainty everything would be ok again.

But I have to also point out I believe the reason for endings to be so sad and hard is so we mortals understand we’ve got to move on.
By endings being as painful as possible, it makes us want to get rid of the plague once and for all.
If it was good maybe we would be tempted to start all over again so we could have the ending bit.
Or we would always think is worth to try a bit more, try a little bit more to keep things going without actually putting a full stop on the situation…

Maybe some people make it difficult to avoid the fact that the best thing in their lives is gone.
And forcing them ro be nasty paints it in a bad and ugly light makes easier to walk away from it.

But I feel I am different…
Having two crucial endings happening in my life, I still feel I need to finish both in good terms. I just can’t imagine being the mean one starting and picking up a fight, even more because I am hardly the one who caused the ending in the first place.

Maybe the fact that part of my utopia is happening in real world, where I have two wonderful bright starts to look forward to makes me less needy for those bitterness.
And hopefully these starts will take a looong time to reach an ending, if ever.