I am blast from the past

Like I've mentioned here, on my coming back to the blogsfera I thought of trying to reconnect with people who I had left behind, people I really cared for in the past.
People who I'd spend hours chatting on MSN developing close friendships, or reading their blogs...
Because I was the one choosing to retreat from the net world, I thought was only fair to go after them again, revert that choice...
But it never went through my mind they could be the ones choosing to retreat from me.
I have never received any harsh word from those I befriended with and if that ever happened, we always talked things through and if the decision to cut off the friendship was taken it was always mutual, it was always something we knew why was happening and why we would not be friends anymore.
One of this closest friends still accepts to be around but not as close as before. Another one was pretty much direct when posting on a network site "What should she do if someone from the past appears again and you wish she stayed in the past" two days after I went to her blog and netsite to say I was glad to have found her again and to see she was happy. After that last post she protected her posts and I am not included in those ones allowed to see it.
Of course I took the hint and accepted the fact she does not want me in her life again, so is only a matter of respect I don't follow her on her blog again or try to contact her again.
What breaks my heart is to have absolutely no idea why they would prefer it that way. I am so afraid of hurting people's feelings, of being cruel, or even unfriendly, it makes me totally paranoid to think I may have gone and done just that.
I don't mind people not liking me, not considering their best friends. No one can't be the best friend of everyone, and I know friendships can just grow out of itself with time and distance, but to completely repel someone?
And why just not be honest? Why not just write to me and tell me how they feel?
That would be what I would do, not send messages with double meanings, that hurts so much more...
Anyway, Mr J and Mrs M came to my rescue when I was having a cry about it (I can't believe I actually cried over it) and reminded me how wonderful I am, and how much all my other friends love me and are happy to see me well again...
I know in my heart I do everything I think is right, I do my bit.
I need to learn to deal with the fact people will change, move on and leave you behind.
Sometimes you didn't even do anything wrong, that is just life. :)

"Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and have her nonsense
respected." Charles Lamb

"Mistakes are the portals of discovery." (James Joyce)

A conversation last week made a light go in my head on how is important or indeed possible for us to learn from our mistakes.
Hearing someone actually telling me how they would never learn from their mistakes was a bit of a shock, but provoked a sea wave in my mind.
Maybe is just me, but I believe learning from our mistakes is the path to avoid things we know made us unhappy, angry, frustrated, ill, everything that made us suffer in the past. And this way, we would then make sure to act towards a better, happier, brighter present, and consequently future, too. And how consciously decide to ignore mistakes you've made before? Or is it done unconsciously?
I could be wrong and no matter how hard we try we will always make mistakes, the same ones over and over again because that's what we are, and that how we live, but I'd like to think we are better than that, and more intelligent, if so only to fool ourselves thinking we are doing our best to grow up, to change, to adjust, to learn.
So yeah, I will do my best to remain alert.
Keep trying not commit the same errors without loosing who I am.
Be less paranoid, not letting myself go, not take things so personally, be less jealous, express my opinions and desires more out-loud but without being in-your-face.
Just a few of a big list I have, but hard things to do. "Old habits die hard" but I hope they die, sooner or later :)


"Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from." - Al Franken

Future, here I come.

Lately my head has been bubbling more than usual, this time with things I want to do with my life.
After more than a year in the limbo, not knowing what to do, and/or not having the stamina or the will to do whatever I started thinking about, now I can't wait to start it.
As some know, I used to do web design as a hobby. I had quite the following crowd and even though I wasn't never the code-master (I went by mostly using codes from tutorials, the net and friends) and my real passion is the design bits, the messing up with the pictures, colors, the putting together of images, with texts, with things that popped out of my head.
And now I see myself centered again, sane again - and dare I say - happy again, it's like a flood in my veins. Website projects I had forgot about all coming back, wanting me to give them a try, to even go and try have fun with coding, with learning, with letting my ideas run free, and the more ideas I have, more ideas they bring, is like a chain.
I need to revive these projects, these contacts, these ideas will have to become true.
In a way I believe I've avoided trying to bring them to life on fear of failure. But what is life without failures? Without start-overs? Being kicked in the teeth and still smile like you mean it?
And really, is not the end of the world failing on something that didn't exist before anyway. Is not like I am risking my savings, my life, my happiness. It will be like a game, and I will try and be the best on it I can be.
As with every decision I make in life, I have to ask myself: What could go terrible wrong really?
The websites turning out to be a flop, no one will be interested in them and I go back to life without web design. But I'll have tried, and hopefully had fun while doing it.
Mmm, sounds like a win/win deal to me!
What I can't let happen is these thoughts stay inside of me and never come to life. If they are not good enough to survive, at least I'll know I gave them the chance to breath and die.


Other plans for the future include big, no, huge things. But I will talk about them as they come. Life taught me too much planning/expectation means too much disappointment.
And I am willing to play by life rules from now on :)

What a difference 2 years make...

I've just realized how people's life change even when you're not watching them.
I know, it is stupid and obvious, of course their lives change! Is not like they would wait sitting on naughty corner while little me here (gosh I hope this acronym is nothing rude!) had her own problems to deal with, but what I mean is that while I was taking time off from my virtual life, I thought people's life would not change that much, naively enough.
To go back to old virtual friendships, chapters of books I was used to read, like a soap opera I~d watch everyday...
I thought I would just start following them again, from the last time I remember reading the last word they wrote on the last day I felt in a sane, happy, with not-a-care-in-the-world mood enough to go through my routine of checking if they needed a friend's shoulder to cry on, a friend's word to rely on, or a friend's cheer to celebrate on.
During this 2+ years (almost 3) my life went through such turmoil I could barely cope with my problems, let alone cope with others.
And their lives did everything but freeze.
Some got married, some split up, some had children who are now big and smiley, some learnt some instruments... Some changed jobs, some travelled and changed countries!Some are on the same life but with a different outlook...

I feel a bit sad for not being there for them. I feel a bit guilty because I chose to go away and not leave a trace so they could find me. It was my choice to go and hide in my cave when things were going from bad to worse.
It makes me think that maybe it was my life that I wanted to freeze, to pause, to stop. But I also wanted to fast-forward it. To a time where I'd be happy again, sane again, with not-a-care-in-the-world frame of mind.
I think this day has arrived again. Is funny how I never stopped writing even knowing (and not wanting) no one would read whatever I wrote. So here I am again.

I hope to reconnect to books and soap operas authors that I would follow in the past. Find out they are happy and content as much as I am now (well, most of the time).

But even if I don't ever find them again, or hear from them again, I hope it is true.