I am blast from the past

Like I've mentioned here, on my coming back to the blogsfera I thought of trying to reconnect with people who I had left behind, people I really cared for in the past.
People who I'd spend hours chatting on MSN developing close friendships, or reading their blogs...
Because I was the one choosing to retreat from the net world, I thought was only fair to go after them again, revert that choice...
But it never went through my mind they could be the ones choosing to retreat from me.
I have never received any harsh word from those I befriended with and if that ever happened, we always talked things through and if the decision to cut off the friendship was taken it was always mutual, it was always something we knew why was happening and why we would not be friends anymore.
One of this closest friends still accepts to be around but not as close as before. Another one was pretty much direct when posting on a network site "What should she do if someone from the past appears again and you wish she stayed in the past" two days after I went to her blog and netsite to say I was glad to have found her again and to see she was happy. After that last post she protected her posts and I am not included in those ones allowed to see it.
Of course I took the hint and accepted the fact she does not want me in her life again, so is only a matter of respect I don't follow her on her blog again or try to contact her again.
What breaks my heart is to have absolutely no idea why they would prefer it that way. I am so afraid of hurting people's feelings, of being cruel, or even unfriendly, it makes me totally paranoid to think I may have gone and done just that.
I don't mind people not liking me, not considering their best friends. No one can't be the best friend of everyone, and I know friendships can just grow out of itself with time and distance, but to completely repel someone?
And why just not be honest? Why not just write to me and tell me how they feel?
That would be what I would do, not send messages with double meanings, that hurts so much more...
Anyway, Mr J and Mrs M came to my rescue when I was having a cry about it (I can't believe I actually cried over it) and reminded me how wonderful I am, and how much all my other friends love me and are happy to see me well again...
I know in my heart I do everything I think is right, I do my bit.
I need to learn to deal with the fact people will change, move on and leave you behind.
Sometimes you didn't even do anything wrong, that is just life. :)

"Tis the privilege of friendship to talk nonsense, and have her nonsense
respected." Charles Lamb

"Mistakes are the portals of discovery." (James Joyce)

A conversation last week made a light go in my head on how is important or indeed possible for us to learn from our mistakes.
Hearing someone actually telling me how they would never learn from their mistakes was a bit of a shock, but provoked a sea wave in my mind.
Maybe is just me, but I believe learning from our mistakes is the path to avoid things we know made us unhappy, angry, frustrated, ill, everything that made us suffer in the past. And this way, we would then make sure to act towards a better, happier, brighter present, and consequently future, too. And how consciously decide to ignore mistakes you've made before? Or is it done unconsciously?
I could be wrong and no matter how hard we try we will always make mistakes, the same ones over and over again because that's what we are, and that how we live, but I'd like to think we are better than that, and more intelligent, if so only to fool ourselves thinking we are doing our best to grow up, to change, to adjust, to learn.
So yeah, I will do my best to remain alert.
Keep trying not commit the same errors without loosing who I am.
Be less paranoid, not letting myself go, not take things so personally, be less jealous, express my opinions and desires more out-loud but without being in-your-face.
Just a few of a big list I have, but hard things to do. "Old habits die hard" but I hope they die, sooner or later :)


"Mistakes are a part of being human. Appreciate your mistakes for what they are: precious life lessons that can only be learned the hard way. Unless it's a fatal mistake, which, at least, others can learn from." - Al Franken

Future, here I come.

Lately my head has been bubbling more than usual, this time with things I want to do with my life.
After more than a year in the limbo, not knowing what to do, and/or not having the stamina or the will to do whatever I started thinking about, now I can't wait to start it.
As some know, I used to do web design as a hobby. I had quite the following crowd and even though I wasn't never the code-master (I went by mostly using codes from tutorials, the net and friends) and my real passion is the design bits, the messing up with the pictures, colors, the putting together of images, with texts, with things that popped out of my head.
And now I see myself centered again, sane again - and dare I say - happy again, it's like a flood in my veins. Website projects I had forgot about all coming back, wanting me to give them a try, to even go and try have fun with coding, with learning, with letting my ideas run free, and the more ideas I have, more ideas they bring, is like a chain.
I need to revive these projects, these contacts, these ideas will have to become true.
In a way I believe I've avoided trying to bring them to life on fear of failure. But what is life without failures? Without start-overs? Being kicked in the teeth and still smile like you mean it?
And really, is not the end of the world failing on something that didn't exist before anyway. Is not like I am risking my savings, my life, my happiness. It will be like a game, and I will try and be the best on it I can be.
As with every decision I make in life, I have to ask myself: What could go terrible wrong really?
The websites turning out to be a flop, no one will be interested in them and I go back to life without web design. But I'll have tried, and hopefully had fun while doing it.
Mmm, sounds like a win/win deal to me!
What I can't let happen is these thoughts stay inside of me and never come to life. If they are not good enough to survive, at least I'll know I gave them the chance to breath and die.


Other plans for the future include big, no, huge things. But I will talk about them as they come. Life taught me too much planning/expectation means too much disappointment.
And I am willing to play by life rules from now on :)

For someone who failed English in school...

... I am pretty surprised how now I think, dream and express myself better using this language.
I know my English is not perfect (far from it) and I know I make - a lot of - mistakes but for some weird reason when I try to write in Portuguese nowadays, I think it looks like a 10 years old wrote it.
Maybe the real problem is the fact I like to write like I talk, and for the best part of the last 7 years I have been talking in English, and definitely in the last year this has been at least 95% of the rate Portuguese/English use for me.
Is funny like some expressions simply take over, some expressions which don't have translation to Portuguese or sometimes I can't even recall how you would say something in Portuguese (the other day I was struggling to remember how to say lamb/sheep).
Don't get me wrong, I haven't forgotten my mother tongue, I don't believe it is possible to happen to anyone!
I just think my brain is better trained now to work in English. I love Portuguese, I am happy my Squeedge is also learning it so we can speak Portuguese between us, I still speak Portuguese with my Brazilian friends I have here, I write Portuguese e-mails, I listen to Brazilian music, I read Brazilian news... I always make sure I don't loose contact with it, just in case...
I like the richness of our language, but maybe that's exactly why my brain takes the English route, it is so much simpler! :)


So here you go, this is why I write in English, but I have put a translator on the write side of the blog, and you can comment either way, as long as it is one of the two!

What a difference 2 years make...

I've just realized how people's life change even when you're not watching them.
I know, it is stupid and obvious, of course their lives change! Is not like they would wait sitting on naughty corner while little me here (gosh I hope this acronym is nothing rude!) had her own problems to deal with, but what I mean is that while I was taking time off from my virtual life, I thought people's life would not change that much, naively enough.
To go back to old virtual friendships, chapters of books I was used to read, like a soap opera I~d watch everyday...
I thought I would just start following them again, from the last time I remember reading the last word they wrote on the last day I felt in a sane, happy, with not-a-care-in-the-world mood enough to go through my routine of checking if they needed a friend's shoulder to cry on, a friend's word to rely on, or a friend's cheer to celebrate on.
During this 2+ years (almost 3) my life went through such turmoil I could barely cope with my problems, let alone cope with others.
And their lives did everything but freeze.
Some got married, some split up, some had children who are now big and smiley, some learnt some instruments... Some changed jobs, some travelled and changed countries!Some are on the same life but with a different outlook...

I feel a bit sad for not being there for them. I feel a bit guilty because I chose to go away and not leave a trace so they could find me. It was my choice to go and hide in my cave when things were going from bad to worse.
It makes me think that maybe it was my life that I wanted to freeze, to pause, to stop. But I also wanted to fast-forward it. To a time where I'd be happy again, sane again, with not-a-care-in-the-world frame of mind.
I think this day has arrived again. Is funny how I never stopped writing even knowing (and not wanting) no one would read whatever I wrote. So here I am again.

I hope to reconnect to books and soap operas authors that I would follow in the past. Find out they are happy and content as much as I am now (well, most of the time).

But even if I don't ever find them again, or hear from them again, I hope it is true.

A little less conversation, a little more action please.

One of the things I can't get over with the new job is the huge unmeasurable amount of talking that is done. And most of the time is for nothing.
They have conferece calls for absolutely everything. Some days there are two conference calls to talk about the same thing!! (literally to repeat it to different people)
It drives me nuts how these are not productive at all, and the time wasted could've been used doing what they talk so much about doing.
Don't get me wrong, this is a big company spread all over the world and we need the meetings to know what everyone is doing, but I do believe it goes over the top most of the time.
My boss is constantly on meeting, which a few minutes between them to actually do his work! He ends up staying up until 11:00 PM at least every night to take care of e-mails and do any work he has to do.
Sometimes I wonder if they do it on purpose. It is always easier to escape to a meeting instead of doing what you have to do.
My approach,I find, is much better. Twitter, blogs and MSN messenger can always fill my day. I'll do my work on the spare time.
You'd think they'd know I don't work that hard, but they always love my results, and think I am wonderful! =)
So my theory of having fun while working, may just be what everyone needs to deliver!

“the end is not as fun as the start”

Just when I thought everything was going smoothly, something had to happen to shake everything again…!

U2 wisely sang “the end is not as fun as the start” and now I appreciate how great those words are.
Why does the end have to be so bitter, so difficult, and so hard to make a decision on?
In my utopia world, the end would be just as sweet as the start, you follow your guts and when you realize, you are already in it.
It wouldn’t have fights nor include hurting each other or being spiteful.
The promises of a new start would always be around the corner along with the excitement and the certainty everything would be ok again.

But I have to also point out I believe the reason for endings to be so sad and hard is so we mortals understand we’ve got to move on.
By endings being as painful as possible, it makes us want to get rid of the plague once and for all.
If it was good maybe we would be tempted to start all over again so we could have the ending bit.
Or we would always think is worth to try a bit more, try a little bit more to keep things going without actually putting a full stop on the situation…

Maybe some people make it difficult to avoid the fact that the best thing in their lives is gone.
And forcing them ro be nasty paints it in a bad and ugly light makes easier to walk away from it.

But I feel I am different…
Having two crucial endings happening in my life, I still feel I need to finish both in good terms. I just can’t imagine being the mean one starting and picking up a fight, even more because I am hardly the one who caused the ending in the first place.

Maybe the fact that part of my utopia is happening in real world, where I have two wonderful bright starts to look forward to makes me less needy for those bitterness.
And hopefully these starts will take a looong time to reach an ending, if ever.

Should I stay or should I go?

Famous for thinking too much, and having not so much work to do, will give a try to blogging again.
As it wasn’t enough to be on facebook and twitter, let’s find somewhere else I can throw my thoughts at, which don’t come short in length or intensity!
My friends can confirm it; they must be exhaust by my clinging huge e-mails by now.
And lately what has taken my head by storm is deciding if should I stay or should I go…
And currently, that is relating to my job situation.
Got an offer to go and work on a great company, closer to home (when not working FROM home), earning almost double, doing better work, no more week long on-bloody-calls, no more faking I am doing work when I could be so much more competent. The catch? This will be a contract for a 12-months period only, which could be extended to 24-months or even more, but no guarantee it would last all that.
It does seem a no-brainer, but I’ve always been the worse for making decisions, even more when it comes to job transition.
I’ve always hated change, and been too loyal. Terrible combination for moving on with your life when something is not good for you anymore. You prefer to stay, you want the opportunity for change to go away and leave you alone. You hope things will magically go back the way it was one day, exciting, challenging, happy times all over again.
But deep inside you know that no matter how you dwell on it, things will remain bad. You’ll complain about it every time something minor goes wrong like it is the end of the world, having to wake up for another day is hardest sacrifice you can think of.
A very wise friend said something which helped me to make my mind.
You gotta take your life by your hands and make your decisions yourself. Or life will make it for you and can be something you don’t want anyway, and than it will be too late and what you wanted will be already gone…

So I’ve made my mind now and shall leave this place that only brings me down sometimes, but I know it will be so painful to resign. My boss is the sweetest girl who should’ve never been made Team Leader because she doesn’t have the guts to make people work as they should, and for this same reason it will be difficult to tell her I am leaving.
I know she kind of relies on me to get things done, but she should’ve thought of that when they threatened to fire me if I didn’t become permanent and kept a much more stupid and less competent guy stay contracting for almost 18 months now.
I need to move on with my life, and take the risk of change and maybe – a tiny maybe at that – staying without a job.
But even if that happens, it should be the push I need to change carreers, something I wanted to do for so long but never built up the courage for.
So, if everything goes well, soon I will be out this place, where there are people I like and I know they like me, but most important than thata of all I won’t have to deal with people and work and stuff bringing me down. Good people who like me will always be with me, regardless where we are working.

If the job-changing doesn’t happen for whatever reason, at least I can feel happy the great company liked me and wanted me after just a telephone interview.
Now that happening for a girl who was shy to go and buy groceries alone when she was little is a huge achievement in itself!